My life has been a weird one the last year. Well, a little over a year. While I can’t go into details… just trust me.

The last 7 days have also been new to me. I’m trying to figure out who I am. I’ve been a little bit of a lost person for a last few years.

Last week, I asked my husband to leave.

Now, I have 3 months to find me. He has 3 months to find him.

Maybe we find each other at the end? I don’t know.

I do know, I’ve missed writing. I NEED to write. It’s like throwing up all over paper without the nasty clean up. (Nice visual huh?)

I was contacts by Rens and asked if I could publish something he wrote about children of hoarders. I thought it would be a good idea to give others a voice also.

Guest post by Rens van der Windt (searchstarz.com)

Children of Hoarders

If a child’s parents are hoarders, it means much more than not being able to have their friends over.

Let’s explore this a little further…

Many children feel their parents value objects more than them and if you touch or use their possessions it is very difficult for them to bear. Objects are often seen as an extension of the self, as hoarders require a strong sense of control over both their possessions and themselves. This is often due to a need for perfection and hoarders feel personally offended when we touch their objects, as we may tamper with what they perceive is perfect. When other people clean or touch their belongings, extreme emotions can be triggered. These emotions are very difficult for hoarders’ children to understand. An authority figure with a twisted belief about objects is confusing for children because there is a different reality about objects at school than at home. Children often feel they have to compete with objects to
get their parent’s attention. Nonetheless, hoarding is often a symptom for personality disorders that can be undiagnosed.

The environment of disorganization and chaos causes hoarders to hide themselves from the rest of the world, isolated between the blinds and often ashamed of their behavior. For the children of hoarders, this can be extremely damaging. Parents often know the problem is there, but don’t want to admit it. Although the clutter is clearly there and affects the whole family, parents don’t want to talk about it. Some children even get blamed for the mess. Knowing there is something to hide, it is difficult to interact with kids who have ‘normal’ parents. If the doorbell rings, many hoarders refuse to let people in and this comes from a fear that they discover their obsession.

Hoarding has not always been seen as a serious problem by society, however there has been a lot more awareness about the issue nowadays because of television programs regarding hoarding. For most of the child’s life, they have probably had no idea this issue had a name and was considered a problem that more people are struggling with.

Many children of hoarders are concerned about their parents’ well being and living conditions, but most of the time they’re not allowed to help or even to come in certain parts of the house. Pressuring parents into de-cluttering is not a good option in most cases. Some children even find that their relationship with their parents deteriorates because of this. Others feel that, as a last resort, they have to report their parents to authorities in order to help them. In many cases other people report hoarders
because of a health crisis. This then forces the hoarders to call in professional companies for a house clearance of the accumulated objects and provide emotional support. It’s often not a good idea for their children to help with this because guilt parents feel about the situation.

My friend Joe is spot on with this assessment.
As a child of a hoarder and a victim of sexual abuse, this statement sums up how I feel when people didn’t understand my anger towards my mother and expected me to “understand” her or to “forgive” her.

When people expect children of hoarders to be very patient and respectful participants in the treatment of hoarders after a lifetime of being neglected and abused by hoarders, it’s like asking victims of sexual abuse to help their abusers to get treatment without acknowledging the damage done to the victims, much less getting treatment and support for them.

Joe’s blog can be found at Hoarder’s Son

**edited because I forgot to add a title!

Has come back to haunt me.

My mom is dead and I’m scared that she will forever live on.

In the last week, I’ve been able to witness abuse in a familiar way.

Years ago, my mom would use the “somebody told me” as an excuse to accuse. That somebody didn’t exist. I’d never get a real name.

Recently, a woman used this against one of my friends. It’s manipulation. Make up a person to take the fall for how you treat someone. My friend also never got a name.

I was also accused by a man this month of doing or saying something offensive. I asked him for proof of my infraction. Asked for a name, heck, I even gave the man access to my Facebook account and said, “Go wild, show me what I did.”

Hear that… it’s crickets. I got nothing from him. He shut down, refused to respond to me.

This is the behavior that hoarders use. I’ve seen people talk about this on messages boards and in conversations. My mom did this.

Give me evidence Mom. She shut down. Refused to talk. Go figure…

If someone has something to say to you, saying how wrong you are.. do not listen unless they can provide you evidence. This is one thing that is starting to sink in from my childhood. I do not have to be used this way or manipulated this way as an adult.

I WILL NOT SAY I AM SORRY FOR SOMETHING I HAVE NOT DONE!!! 

I will not be tricked into bowing to your will with guilt. I refuse to be guilty for something I didn’t do. I will not grovel at your feet and beg your forgiveness to be a member of your club.

Over the years I’ve let myself be used for the sake of keeping peace. I was the good girl. Only, the people using me? They didn’t care. They will always lie and always use. They will talk about you behind your back, make up a “somebody” or accuse you and refuse to provide you with proof.

When I was little, I used to feel so so so so so so so bad that our house was messy. Yes, I was probably a messy little kid. But my mom? SHE was the adult. I felt like crap that our house looked so bad.

But guess what? I was a LITTLE KID!! Little kids ARE messy. (well unless they have OCD.. and if you have one of those kids, feel free to let them play at my house  kidding..  )

I WILL NOT feel sorry or say “I’m sorry” for that house being a wreck.

I WILL NOT feel sorry for something I haven’t done.

Dear Children of Hoarders, do NOT take the blame for that house being the way it is. It’s not your fault.   

It’s been way too long since I’ve blogged. What have I been doing all this time?

Working, spending time with the family, and working on me.

With the Mr. working and the kid getting ready for her state tests at school, life has been a bit crazy.

The working on me bit is exactly what it sounds like. I’ve been taking a bit of time to work on myself. The stress of life got to me. Honestly. I had to take a break from people, from some friends even. I made a few new friends. I took a good look at my diet and realized that if I didn’t change something, that the foods I was eating + stress were going to equal my death.

So, I thought about what killed my mom. I didn’t want to die that way. She didn’t die of hoarding, but died in that 1/2 hoarded home.

I’m happy to say that the changes are working.

I’m staring to add back in the stresses from before and just take them one day at a time. I’m starting to set limits. I refuse to let people take advantage of me anymore.

It feels great. 

I have a lot to talk about too, so I need to start my blogging again.

It’s spring!! Yay!

And guess what today is? It’s CLEANING DAY!! I’m going to clean my office/storage room. Get the kid to clean her room too!

Last night, I put up a new shower curtain to match the new rug (the kid rug got ate up by the vacuum) so it’s bye bye princess bathroom, and hello to a new purple bathroom (keeping the fairy toilet seat though since it matches)  - I tried to be a FUN mom when she was smaller-  :)

I am going to come back with a list of stuff I’ve done. Most of my house is clean, but I’m going to try to find stuff to donate, etc. Maybe clean up a few dust bunnies.

And no… I do NOT like to clean, but I DO love a clean house.

Oh, and I plan on cleaning out my car. The kids have icktified it. Last weekend was the kid’s b-day party and those kids did a number on my car. PUKE!! Gum and candy gone wild. I should charge to haul kids around.

I’m doing a bit of digital cleaning today, and I came across some old txts from my sister.

I don’t have many txts saved, I’m pretty good about cleaning them up, but these ones.. we’ll I’m not sure I’m ready to delete them.

They are about my mom, when she was dying.

I have no idea why, but I’m not ready to remove them.

In one I say I talked to her and had a decent coverstation, in another, I say she’s like the “old” mom before the anti-depressants.

Maybe I want the reminder that for a small bit of time, my mom wasn’t mean. Maybe I want the reminder of what will happen if I don’t take care of myself.

I have the txt I sent to my cousin telling him my mom was dead. I was driving at the time, on the way to her house.

I’m sure there is something a doc would tell me.. why I feel the need to hang on to a few txts.

I’m sure I’ll delete them in time. I just wanted to share. Maybe someone out there has felt the same way. I guess that’s the reason I have this blog, to show all the weirdness that goes on inside my head, so someone else out there as weird as me won’t feel so alone.

This woman at work told me she would never think I would be intimidated. And this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this comment from someone.

I am. ALL THE TIME!! Wholly cow… if only she knew. The difference between me and her is… I hide it. Well. Behind smiles and sarcastic remarks. Behind laughing and hiding in the corner trying to remain unseen.

See, I grew up hiding the fact that I lived in filth. I can hide when my feelings get hurt (most of the time) and I can hide that I secretly crave knowing that I am good enough. I do hide when people make me feel inferior.

I get intimated by the cleaning girl at work. She cleans toilets and my job is much more glamours than hers is by far. I am not bragging… I am just stating the fact if she knew she could intimated me… oh .. the power she’d have LOL.

I work with a TON of really pretty women. Some younger… some older. Most of them are very pretty and very dressy. Me.. eh. To a degree I can dress. But, most of the time, I feel like a child playing dress up. Intimated? Yup. 

I think in the back of my mind… if they only knew, they’d chew me up and spit me out. Ok.. I’m being a bit dramatic here, but hey, it’s my couch and I can be if I wanna be.. right? Ok, I’ll stop.

My point is, is that I do feel this way. Growing up how I did made me this way. I’m insecure. (to the point I make MYSELF SICK OF ME) My house isn’t a fancy house in a nice neighborhood. My dog is a mutt. My  hair cut cost me less than $15.

Even if I had all these nice things… I really think I’d feel the same way. I never got that foundation I needed to be 100% confident in who I am.

Please, parents that hoard… please understand what your doing to your children.

I am your child. 10 years.. 15 years… 20 years from now. I am your daughter. Maybe she’ll be better than I am, more forgiving, but your taking the chance that she’s going to be even more messed up than I am.

Is this a chance your willing to take?

Please, don’t let your daughter grow up to feel that she’ll never be good enough… to feel intimidated by everyone.

Researchers at Case Western Reserve University are conducting two online studies about the relationships of individuals with OCD or hoarding. Each study involves completing questionnaires online about relationships, emotions and OCD. You must beat least 18 to participate. Those who participate may enter into a raffle for a Target gift card. The information gathered from this study may help to improve therapies for OCD.

For more information: Individuals with OCD and/or hoarding: http://filer.case.edu/~axp335/ocd.htm

Relatives and significant others of those with OCD and/or hoarding: http://filer.case.edu/~axp335/famocd.htm

**Disclaimer** I was in no way compensated for posting this or am I affiliated in any way with the research or Case Western.